


Contrition

by MrsHamill



Series: Penitence [3]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-10
Updated: 2001-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:23:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim keeps talking and slowly starts figuring things out. This story is a sequel to Devotion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contrition

**Author's Note:**

> Another in the series of Jim Gets His Head Shrunk. Thank you, Fox, as always. Couldn't do it without you.

* * *

Yeah. Yeah, I brought it. But... but I couldn't get to ten things.  
I, uh, I got eight. Is that enough?

Wha..? Stupid. I felt... stupid when writing it. And, and... um, unhappy. And before you ask, it was probably because, well, I should have told him these things, maybe, a long time ago. And I wish there weren't so many of them. 

Yeah. Here. 

Ah, why am I not surprised you'd say that? I suppose it's pretty, what-do-you-call-it, pretty Freudian of me, huh? Indicative of -- of something. Whatever. 

Okay. Okay. I guess... you want to take them in order, then? 

Aloud? Do I... 

Okay. Right. Fine. Number one. I'm sorry about not trusting you. I guess that one and the second one are kind of linked... no, number two -- I never really believed you'd sell me out like that for your dissertation. Yeah. Although... it goes back to Alex too. Oh... that crazy bitch who tried to... yeah. Anyway. I said some pretty rotten things to Sandburg during the heat of it. Things he didn't deserve. 

But you know, _I_ would have gone for it. I would have jumped at that brass ring, taken the million dollars, all of it. It's what he had always dreamed of. So, yeah, I thought it made sense that he would go for it. But I -- I didn't -- didn't have to say... didn't have to tell him that. I was pretty shitty to him. 

I don't _know_! I wish I did. Sometimes... sometimes it's like I just step back and see these awful things coming out of my mouth. Like some kind of alien takes over my body. What it is, I think, is that I want Sandburg to read my mind. To know... to just _know_ that I really don't mean those things. Which is stupid. 

All right. Number three. It's a biggie too... I'm sorry about Alex. Not so much that I threw him out of his home, that I accused him of -- of leaving me for her, that I pulled my fucking _gun_ on him, but, well... She _killed_ him. And I... and I... 

Sandburg says it was some kind of mating imperative. I don't know. I felt... sorry... for her. She was so far away from what we're supposed to be -- she was a criminal and a psychopath. And she was beautiful, and I wanted... I wanted... 

But she _killed Blair_. The least I could have done was not to let him know how I felt about her. He was so good about the whole thing too. But I could tell how hurt he was. And dammit, I couldn't -- I couldn't just say I'm SORRY already. 

I want to. I really, really do. But all I say are these dumb jokes, about cutting his hair, about back rent, all that shit. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number four. I need you to be my partner, but if you don't want to be a cop, it's all right. God, I _have_ to tell him that. Somehow. I'm so fucking afraid for him. And I'm sure that between the two of us, we'd be able to figure something else out. Hell. I'd even leave the force for him. If that's what he wanted. I always do what he wants. 

Look. It's been... it's been easier to talk to you, to -- to actually SAY things. You've got to help me here, I've just got to talk to him. I've got to... 

Thanks. That helped. I guess I sound pretty pathetic, don't I? 

Heh. Well, at least you're honest. Maybe that's why it's easier to \-- to talk. Here, I mean. 

No, I think I -- I mean, I probably should go on, you know, finish them. While I still have some nerve left. 

Nothing. Sorry. Let's move on. Number five is... 

Oh. Yeah. I admire you and look up to you. Uh. 

That one... um... that one's kind of self-explanatory. Right? 

Damn. Okay. 

I -- uh -- I mentioned before how strong Sandburg is, didn't I? He really is. I mean, for all he's, like, the runt of the department, and for all he comes off like a total airhead sometimes, he's actually a really _strong_... uh, guy. In every sense of the word. Emotionally even, even though he says he isn't. He is. He just does stuff. Stuff that would make any other man, I don't know, freak out. Not him. He jumped out of an airplane with me... never done it before, he's afraid of heights, all of it. But I needed him so he went. 

I... just couldn't do some of the things he does. And he knows things. He's able to tie together stuff that no one else would look twice at and realize the answer. My arrest record has just skyrocketed since he became my 'unofficial' partner. And it's because of him. 

Um. 

I don't know what else to say. 

Oh, all right. Sure. 

I'm really, really pissed off at Naomi -- Blair's mom. That's number six. And I really am pissed at that woman. I like Naomi, I do; she means well, and she really loves Blair. But damn the woman... she interferes where she has no right, never listens to what anyone says... she's like a force of nature. And just as mindless sometimes. 

When we first met, I swear she was trying to seduce me. I mean, she's a lovely woman, and ordinarily, I would have been pleased to have been pursued by her. But she's Sandburg's mother, for pity's sake. 

Why would what have stopped me? 

Uh... because... uh... She's... she's his mother. 

I know I said that. What's the problem? 

Well, it just does, okay? She's... she's the mother of my roommate. There. It leads to all sorts of things, all right? Can we move on? 

Right. Number sev... oh. 

Yeah, I know. It's... it's, uh... 

Please don't leave me. 

I said, please don't leave me. That's what number seven is. 

N... 

Yeah. It bothers me. 

It... probably does. When Mom left, I was so young, and Dad, well, we've talked a bit about him. And, yeah, I know, we do need to talk more about him. And her. Is this what you shrinks call 'abandonment issues?' 

Traumatic. Yeah. It was that. I -- I guess... I suppose I felt, I don't know, responsible. Like it was my fault. I know that sounds dumb... 

Oh. Well then. 

Yeah, that, and the fact... the fact that I need him. For the senses stuff, you know. 

I -- I don't know. Maybe. 

Yes. That was number eight. I need you. Period. 

I guess, yeah, it's pretty... um... strong. See, the thing is, I -- I don't like... shit. I don't like relying on -- needing -- someone else. It's... it's hard for me. It feels like, oh, I don't know, like weakness. When I was in the Army... 

Yeah, yeah, I know, this isn't the Army. But it's hard to break old habits. Hard to... 

Hmmm? Oh. 

You think? You think I'm... I'm doing better? 

I don't know. I feel... I feel... less angry, I guess. That's an improvement, isn't it? But why do I feel so... so... sad, then? 

Oh boy. Another assignment. 

Pick just one, huh? And... and tell him? 

Tell him. 

Heh, now that's a good one... Sandburg, my shrink says I have to tell you something. 

Number four. 

Yeah. Next week. 

end 


End file.
